Todd/Zelphair

If anyone doesn't yet know, I'll be visiting my hometown of Jackson, Michigan for a week starting tomorrow. If you'd like to see me and haven't touched base with me yet, drop me a line.

So, I realize I haven't updated this thing in...17 weeks, according to LJ. I haven't been busy, precisely. I just never felt like posting an entry. As an apology, here's what's going on now.

I'm still working part-time at Radio Shack. The pay sucks, but it's far from the worst job I've had. If it weren't for some of the customers, it might actually be enjoyable from time to time.

I'm still going to school. In July, I'll start summer classes. Or at least, I'll start them if I can figure out another class I need that's offered during the summer. If I don't have at least six credits for the summer, I won't get any money for it, even loans.

Romantically, there's not too much to report. I've sort of been seeing this sweet wolf from Portland. He's nice, and I have fun hanging out with him. I just don't know yet if I want it to go anywhere or not. Of course, part of that is he's only 18 and still lives with his mom. Not necessarily his fault, and he's a lot more mature than some people I know my own age, but I don't know if I want to deal with it in a mate.

Speaking of mothers, mine was diagnosed with breast cancer. It's a pretty aggressive type, but at least it's still only at stage 3, which is still curable, not just treatable. It still sucks, and I wish I could be there for her in person.

On the other hand, though, I don't know that I could take watching her lose her hair and everything like she will within the next couple of weeks. But the bottom line is there's nothing I can do at the moment, and I know she wouldn't want me to make my life worse worrying. So I'm going to believe in her, and try not to think about it for the most part. PortCon and AC should help with that.

I've also put a fair amount of work into my Veskara work-in-progress. I've got what essentially amounts to two chapters. While that may not seem like much, it's more than double what I had previously. A third chapter is in the works, and I'm actually making measurable progress almost daily. Yay for actually getting shit done!

Maybe tomorrow I'll post the first little bit again. I did some heavy editing, especially at the beginning, to cut down on some "purple" prose. It should flow a bit better now.

That's about it. If anyone wants to comment and let me know they're still out there, I'd appreciate it :-P

So, here's the deal. I'm trying to visit my mom and some friends back in Michigan during my February Break, particularly since that week also contains my mom's 50th birthday. I managed to get the time off work, but now I'm trying to find a cheap flight.

So far, it's going horribly. The least expensive round trip I've found was almost $500. So, if anyone else can find a cheap flight from Portland, Maine to either Detroit or Lansing, MI, leaving February 14th and coming back February 21st, let me know.

I know, I know, it's been a while since I've posted here. Hopefully that'll change (see below). There's a new year upon us, and my 24th birthday is also only a little over a month away. This tends to make for a lot of reflection on the state of my life, and what I want for the future. To call these New Year's Resolutions is a bit of an oversimplification, but it's as good a description as any. Here's what I resolve to do this year:

1. Eat healthier/Be more active - This one's always been a tricky one for me, but there are a few things I've realized. First off, when it comes to eating, I've realized it's not good to just completely cut something out of your diet, even if it's something unhealthy. That way leads to cravings and relapses, and there's no food that's really bad for you in small amounts. Moderation is the key. My big vice tends to be soda. While there's nothing wrong with it in small doses, I'll be the first to admit that I tend to suck it down like water, and that much of it certainly is bad.

2. Work more on my writing - Someone once said that if you get up every day and all you can think about is writing, you should be a writer. I'm not sure if I agree with that, or rather, with the implication that if it isn't all you think about, you shouldn't be a writer. To be honest, there's no one thing that's on my mind morning, noon, and night. The closest thing would be my constant daydreams about magic (of the fantasy variety, not the stage sleight of hand). I think of casters and spells and glowing swords and mythical creatures, and I don't want to keep them to myself. Writing's always been my ideal way of expressing myself, and it's also one of the few things I can honestly say I'm good at. There have been plenty of books that I've read, only to think to myself "How did this even get published, let alone become a best-seller? I could write circles around this author." (*cough*Twilight*cough*)

My problem, however, is that I tend to get an idea in my head, get started on a project, write roughly the first chapter...and stop. Either a different idea catches hold, or I simply get distracted. This year, I want to change that. I want to have a working manuscript ready for publishers by the end of the year. I just need to decide which project to put my effort into (may have a journal asking for opinions on that if I have trouble), and maybe even discipline myself enough to put together an outline for once.

3. Post on here more - It always seems like when I log into LJ, I'm seeing how many months it's been since my last post. I always mean to post, but either there's nothing significant going on, or there is a situation, but it's way too complicated, and I already make these things too long. Yes, I'm aware of why I don't get many comments when I do post. "Oh, Todd posted something. I wonder what's going on with him...AH! Wall of text! Run away!" Sorry. I'll try to break it down into smaller chunks, more often, as opposed to a page or more every couple of months.

There are more resolutions, but I'm already in danger of violating my own words, so I think I'll leave it at that for now.

Thought I'd make a journal, since I'm finding myself in an odd, introspective mood, with no one to talk to, really. Life's...well...complicated, but isn't it always?

On the surface, everything's fine. I'm working, I'm doing alright in school (though not always as well as I know I could be doing), and I shouldn't have any major worries beyond what I'm going to get everyone for Christmas. Still, though, things are getting to me.

Take work, for example. Radio Shack's not a bad place to work, by any means, but it is retail, around Christmas, and one of our other sales associates just quit. Now, I have to help fill in the gap. I worked a 16-hour shift on Black Friday, and while the shifts since then have been more or less normal, when combined with two very full days of classes each week, an actual day off pretty much only happens if I'm sick (like yesterday).

So when I am actually home, I find it difficult to work on homework, or study, or even write. I just want to play a game, or watch TV or a movie. I want to wind down in a relatively passive way, not make my brain do more work. So, between that and the fact that my marine biology class doesn't interest me in the slightest, my grades are suffering a bit in that class. I actually got my first D on a test, ever. I know a lot of people wonder what the big deal is, but I've always been proud of my grades, and they've been really important to me.

And on top of all that...I'm lonely. I don't have many local friends at all, and the few that I do have, I hardly ever see anymore (half the time, that seems to include Jag as well, as his work's been even more hectic than mine). That's bad enough, but when you narrow down the list from friends to romantic prospects...well, it becomes pretty much empty.

And what am I supposed to do about that? How am I supposed to meet new people? At school? As a commuter and a somewhat older transfer student, and someone who's fairly socially awkward at that...well, it's difficult, at best. Some sort of "extracurricular" activity, a club or class or something like that? I already have way too much going on to pile that on top of it. The internet? I think I've kind of milked that resource dry, at least locally.

I guess the point here would be that I'm unsatisfied with my life at the moment, and nothing's all that likely to change any of the things that make it so, at least in the near future. By my own philosophy, it seems the best way to deal with that is to simply choose to be happy anyway, to simply accept what I can't change, and keep my eyes open for things I can. I just never realized before how much energy that takes, and mine seems to be in short supply at the moment.

So, it's been a looong time since I updated this, so I figured I probably should. The issue's just been that so much has happened that it'd be a bit overwhelming for one post. So I'll start with the practical, financial front.

Back in February, I quit my job at Wal-Mart. In retrospect, it was a stupid decision, but I was just getting so fed up there. Basically, if anyone's been to the WalMart in Brunswick, particularly in the evening, you know that they're way understaffed, particularly on the grocery side. I was working Grocery ICS (basically stocking and keeping accurate inventory counts), from 12-9 on any given day that I worked.

From 12-4, it was just fine, because there was still the whole 7-4 shift there. My hours were somewhat irregular, but there should've been a whole 11-8 shift, as well. Unfortunately, there was just me. Many nights, there wasn't even a sales associate, so I had to bear the full brunt of customer and "reshops" for the grocery side, too. Oh, and did I mention that this time of night was also when the trucks came in (and the unloading team was often mysteriously busy, so guess who got to do that), and when the assistant manager for grocery wanted me to put up and take down endcaps and whatnot? I was doing my best, but my best doesn't include being 4 people. Eventually, I got so frustrated that I walked out.

Since then, I've been unemployed. It's not like I haven't been looking, but pickings are often slim. I never did tell my mom about quitting WalMart, just because I know how utterly disappointed she'd be. That made for some very guilt-inducing lying when she came to visit, but at least she never found out. It's sucked, not having any money, and basically feeling very guilty at mooching off Jag.

But there are two bright spots. First off, while I had initially been concerned because my tuition for this semester was greater than my loans and grants by a little over $300, I found out there was another $1000 per semester of loans I was eligible for, so instead of having to figure out a way to pay that out of pocket, I'm actually getting a not-insignificant refund that I can use for other expenses. Plus, next semester my maximum loan amount goes up because I'll be a junior, and next school year, things'll be dramatically better, because I'll be 24, and that means no considering parents' income on my FAFSA.

And I know, more student loans means more debt to bite me in the ass when I graduate, but there are two things that console me. First off, I'm going to try to put a good portion of that in future semesters into paying off some of my more delinquent, high-interest debts, so at least I'll be shifting it to a much lower rate of interest (and a much more lenient lender). Secondly, accounting is a very stable and in-demand field, with decent pay right out the gate. I'm not worried about finding a job after graduation, particularly if I can do a co-op sometime between now and then. Plus, for every year I stay in Maine, I get a tax refund. How long that'll be will likely depend on Jag's circumstances, since his major (media studies) might require a different environment for a job, but still, it's something to consider.

The second bright spot is that I had an interview with Radio Shack last week. I submitted my application, and about a week later, called to check up on it. At that time, they went ahead and scheduled me for an interview. Jag and I had both figured it couldn't hurt, but it was probably more or less a "pity interview", and didn't expect much of it. However, the interview went really well, and Thursday evening, the manager called me and said to come fill out some more paperwork, because assuming my background check comes back fine (and I have no reason to believe it won't), he'd like to offer me a position.

True, it's retail sales, and anything over minimum wage is solely on the basis of commission, but something's much better than nothing. A silver lining is that with their location in Topsham, tucked away in that little strip mall, they don't get much browsing traffic. Rather, most everyone that comes in is looking to buy something. So, I figure I'll give it a shot, because what do I have to lose? Even in the absolute worst case scenario that I'm horrible at it and can't learn to do it, I'm still only right back where I started, with at least some hourly at minimum wage to show for it.

The downside is that with that financial upswing, comes a sizable new expense. My computer's been giving me no small amount of trouble, especially the video card. I keep getting random restarts, games crashing, even blue screen errors. I've tried the various things my (even more) geekish friends have suggested, but that didn't help, and I agree with them that it's basically just feeling its age. The thing is over 5 years old now, and by the time I replaced or upgraded everything that would be needed...well, it'd basically be a new computer, anyway, and probably more expensive, to boot. So, 90% of my refund check's going toward a new computer.

I know (because many people keep telling me) that I could build my own for much cheaper. That's true, and I could probably do it without much help, but honestly, I just don't want to deal with the hassle of waiting for components to ship, putting it all together, etc. I want something that I can just take out of the box, plug in, and go. A totally new computer also means using Vista, but I've heard the compatibility issues are getting better, etc., plus I'm already using things like the 2007 version of Office, anyway.

Anyway, this is what I've got my eyes on right now (my available price range went up a fair amount, because with the job at Radio Shack, I don't have to worry about putting a couple hundred of my refund away as "just in case").

http://www.bestbuy.com/site/olspage.jsp?skuId=8886949&type=product&id=1212192194448

It seems good to me, though if anyone can find something with equivalent or better specs for that or less, that comes all ready to go, and that I can pick up in-store instead of waiting for (and paying for) shipping, let me know.

So, yeah...I finally found a job, which I've been working at for a couple of weeks, stocking groceries at the WalMart. It's not very fun, and the pay sucks, but at least it's a paycheck.

On a related note, I like pie.

None of these things were on Rosalyn’s mind, however. She had grown accustomed to the both the image the town presented, and to the secrets beneath it. Today was just another day, and she went about her routine as such. As usual, she was greeted with smiles and warm wishes by the clerics as she entered the chapel and knelt before the altar for her morning prayer. She was not the most devout of worshippers, but not a single soul in this town forgot ever forgot their gratitude for the tools the Goddess had given them so long ago.
When her prayers were finished, Rosalyn, along with a few others she recognized, was allowed into the back room of the chapel. Each of them faced seemingly ordinary sections of the wall, and each spoke a seemingly nonsensical sentence comprised of words in a dozen different languages, only three of which were still spoken in any known area of the world. A soft chime acknowledged both the correct pass code and the recognition of an authorized voice, and was followed by a light shining into each person’s eyes, confirming the retina of authorized persons.

Six identical portions of the wall slid up to reveal six identical, smooth, hollow metal cylinders, just large enough to fit one person comfortably in each one. Like the others around her, Rosalyn stepped into the shaft before her and spoke another, equally meaningless but equally exact set of words. A metal hatch slid down in front of her, and on the other side of it, she could hear the heavy wood sliding back into place, though she knew from experience that no one in the chapel’s main hall would hear a thing. It was amazing what good construction could do for soundproofing, especially with a bit of magic to back it up.

As the elevator made its long descent, she went through her breathing exercises, calming her mind and convincing it that this was indeed a day like any other. It was difficult, but it was something she’d spent years learning to do properly. She knew that any hint of nerves would be her downfall today, which made relaxation all the more challenging, but when the lift finally stopped and its hatch slid open, she was still facing the world with a smile, and her gait as she made her way out of the lift room was as steady as ever.

So, for lack of anything better to post, I'm going to try posting some of my story/hopefully eventual novel, just to get it out there. In order to keep from clogging up peoples' friends pages, I'll try to limit the sizes of the snippets posted, keeping it to certainly no more than a page a day. Yeah, so enjoy the tentatively titled "Witches of Veskara", copyright Todd Little, 2007. Feedback is appreciated.

* * *

As it often tended to, dawn came to the village of Veskara not in a rush of color and light, but rather a gradual dilution of the black of night into a somewhat gentler, misty gray that brought with it some degree of illumination, just enough to give a slight gleam to the polished oak facades of the simple but elegant houses. Out of those houses, in slow but steady streams, came the villagers, ready to begin the work of the day. For day it was, or at least as close to day as it usually came, this close to the Nameless Forest, visible on the eastern horizon, cloaked, as always, in its own eternal night.

Yawning a bit, still stretching the last vestiges of morning stiffness from her limbs, Rosalyn Grace strode out her door like rest of the village’s population, a smile on her face that seemed to defy the scenery. Like most who had been in the town for any length of time, she had stopped being bothered by, or even really noticing, the sight of the forest in the distance, or the lack of direct sunlight. Of course, a few years ago, the perpetual gray of the landscape would have been the least of the factors affecting her mood. She had never been what people called a “morning person”, but that was hardly a position one could maintain living in Veskara. The inhabitants of this quaint little town tended to make use of every last bit of daylight.

Of course, there was plenty of light that could be provided, both by magic and by electric lights. And of course, Veskara was, in actuality, neither little nor quaint. This close to the Forest, though, it was considered best by all to keep up appearances. No one was quite sure how observant the twisted creatures of that place were, or what they would do if they discovered such a treasure trove of human secrets within sight of their home, and no one was willing to risk their lives and the lives of countless others just to get an answer to those questions. Besides, the denizens of the Forest, however terrible, were only the most immediate threat.

Thus, on its surface, Veskara seemed very backwards indeed. The village made a handsome sum trading for the various oddities one could find at the Forest’s edge, and if anyone ever wondered why none of it was spent on the many wonders of magic and technology, they never stayed long enough to ask. The town’s residents, however, all knew there was much more to their tidy little hamlet than could ever be seen from the surface.

Oh, there were some very important things on the surface, without a doubt. The blacksmith forged the weapons so vital to the defense of their town. Farmers rose what livestock they could without grazing ground, to supplement the food brought by traders. Local stores sold their wares when there were no visiting merchants. There was a modest but well-maintained chapel to the Goddess. However, these things paled in comparison to what could be found below the village.

Nearly a mile below the surface, warded against detection by the most powerful magics known to the human race, lay the true city of Veskara, a sprawling subterranean metropolis that bore witness to the latest and greatest magic and technology known to man, as well as a myriad of advancements to which the general public could never be privy. It was there that events of vital importance to both the city and the world took place on a daily basis. Indeed, the very reason the place warranted such colossal secrecy was quite simple: without Veskara, the world was doomed.

So, had a PortCon meeting today, which was fun. Julie, you're always good for a laugh (in a good way). Sorry we couldn't make it to what we talked about, but Jag wasn't feeling well, so we just got dinner and went home.

Anyway, I've been thinking of posting some of what little writing I do on here. The only reason I hesitate is because I've basically got two things I'm working on: a multi-part furry story, that's on my FurAffinity page, and is better suited to there, anyway, especially since parts of it can contain...um...adult situations; and something I've been working on tiny bit by tiny bit for the last year, getting a whole maybe 12 pages done, but that I have fantasies of someday turning into a best-selling novel. The former, as I've said, is fine where it is, and the latter...well, I'm just a bit paranoid about someone stealing it and claiming it as their own (though, seemingly contradicting myself, I don't think it's really anything special). Still, maybe I'll just slap a copyright on it and hope for the best.

Since I mentioned my FA page, I'll post a link, just in case anyone's interested:
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/yaminofoxie/

Also, apparently Dumbeldore's gay:
http://www6.comcast.net/news/articles/entertainment/2007/10/20/Books.Harry.Potter/
Makes sense, actually, as I always thought his going along with Grindelwald for so long seemed out of character otherwise.

I figured I should post something right about now, since LJ is so very kind about informing me how many months it's been since I last posted.

I've mostly been busy lately playing Blue Dragon. Now, anyone who knows me well knows that when it comes to video games, I rarely wander outside the RPG genre (hell, even Oblivion was too action-y for me), so it was very refreshing to see a rather old-school turn-based RPG on a next-gen system, especially the 360, whose Achievements system is nice, even if I'm not a fan of the FPS genre that seems to make up 90% of its titles. Wow...even though it was technically grammatically correct, I have to wonder if that sentence is a run-on...

Anyway, Blue Dragon is fun, and relatively addictive, although it does admittedly have its flaws. Neither the story nor the characters really engage me as a player, and for a genre where plot and characters generally shine, that's often a bad sign. However, the game-play really does shine, with a simple yet potentially complex class system that resembles Final Fantasy V, only with fewer classes, but a wider array of skills and potential to combine them. I am still rather irked, however, that the manual lists the main character, Shu, as 16, yet in the game, he and his friends look, and to some extent act, like pre-pubescents (the auto spell-check, which I can't seem to turn off in Firefox, is telling me I spelled that wrong, but meh...oh, stop correcting meh, it's a valid expression of blah...ah, so "blah" doesn't get underlined...now we see the bias inherent in the system). It's less the fact that he looks that way that bothers me than the inconsistency, but whatever.

Still, all in all, it was quite a fun game, though it could be that I was just hungry for a new RPG. The .hack//GU games were awesome, but I can't bring myself to complete the item lists, etc. Knowing that I've done all the side-quests, and finished the main plot, and that this time there's nothing else to carry it all over to, I just can't find the willpower to do it solely for the sake of completion. Final Fantasy XII was arguably the worst yet in the series, in my opinion, though the extent to which they were able to push the graphical limits of the PS2 was awe-inspiring. Valkyrie Profile 2 was fun, but doesn't seem to really have the replay value of the original. So my opinion on Blue Dragon may be biased, due to the fact that I'm simply so enjoying having something new to toy with, in terms of games.

What's not so exciting, however, was the fact that I just could not get to sleep last night. I went to bed "early" (for me) at about 1:50 AM, because Jag and I had class today. Come 8 AM, it's time to wake up, and I still haven't gotten to sleep. I thought maybe if I got up and got in the shower, it'd wake me up enough to go on with my day, but I still just couldn't focus on anything, so I ended up taking a sleep aid while Jag went to class. On the plus side, I finally did get about 6 hours of sleep. The downside, though, is that this is the second time I've missed class this semester. Granted, nothing terribly important was going on, but still, it bothers me.

Anyway, this post has gotten longer than I intended, so goodbye for now, all.

Upon being pleasantly surprised that my account hasn't been deleted after all the inactivity this time, I think it's time I posted something.

Life has been pretty good lately. It'd be better, of course, if I could find a job, but in the meantime, I try to stay optimistic that something will come along, and to enjoy the free time I have without feeling too guilty. At least school will be starting up again soon, assuming that I can actually get everything in on time for this semester. It'll be nice to have something to do, and perhaps I won't quite feel like such a freeloader.

I went to a party last night with my boyfriend/mate (depending on whether or not you feel mundane or furry terms are more appropriate), Jag, which was fun. Not so many people that I felt completely smothered, and I recognized most of them from PortCon, so it's not like there were many total strangers.

I had been a bit worried at the outset, since Jag only mentioned it to me Friday, and hadn't been sure if I wanted to go or not, plus he hadn't really said who'd be there, other than Julie and Ryan. I suppose my main worry had been that the invitation had pretty much been just for him, and that if he took me, it'd be purely out of his own desire to include me, and no one else's. In this case, though, I was very happy to be proved wrong. I felt quite welcome, and look forward to the next such occasion.

True, I didn't end up saying a lot, but that's just the way I am. I get pretty shy and soft-spoken in groups, particularly when I don't know the people in those groups too well, and/or when the conversation turns to subjects with which I'm not too familiar. It's something I perhaps need to work on, but everyone was nice enough not to insist I speak up every so often, or to ask if whether or not I'm really having fun (I hate it when people assume I'm not having fun just because I'm not talking much). All in all, it was a good crowd and a good night.